It has always been a day dream of mine to soar in the air as the beautiful, graceful god like women who do. It feels as if you're almost flying but you're not quite there yet and that is your goal in the end: to never be brought down. Because dancing is an escape, from reality from our bodies impossibilities. It is breaking all the rules in an elegant way. Oh how one day i wish i too could be like a dove, the loveliest bird of them all. A ballerina. But, i can never be raised up for i have become far too comfortable with being on the ground, and that you see is my problem.
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Sometimes i ask myself "what will you think of your teenage years" and i think my answer would be "i regret everything i didn't do" and it isn't the craziness that i would regret not doing like the sneaking out at 3am to see the boy you love or getting completely wasted at a party, no i have plenty of my life to feel independent. I want to love as many people as i can, most including my family. Sadly we take advantage of the people closest to us especially when we are teenagers because we believe they want nothing but the worst for us but really they only want our lives to be better, they don't want us to share their regrets. My advice for myself, for my younger self if i were to be 23 would be: give your dad a hug, tell him hes doing a good job, wake up early and make your mom a nice breakfest, tell your sister you love her and spend quality time with her, stop pushing people away who love you. And my fifteen year old self is going to do just that, because regret is the worst feeling and it can honestly be avoided if only we would take our own advice. i feel as if im under the control of a dictator. And that dictator is unseen, and that ditator is society, constantly pulling me away from my own reality. Sometimes i like to pretend im living in a different world, one that is filled with sounds. Beautiful sound. A world where no cruelty ever occurs, one where there is no division. But then like a mosqutio, society is latched unto me, sucking me dry of my dreams and aspriations. I dont want the 9 to five job, the husband and the two kids, i dont want to lay my head down on my pillow and think "shit i have this bill to pay, this person to see". In fact i wanna lay my head on a different pillow every night, i wanna be a wanderer. Completely unattached to anything and completely satisfied with everything. Hell that is the type of person i wanna be. Its not commitment im afraid of, its comfort. I cant live in a world where im just comfortable where everything is "just so". I need excitement, i need there to be something to chase after, something different to smile at, to look at every day. This life is not meant to fufill anyone elses desires but our own, yet why do i feel like im watching my life occur through someone elses?
365 days. i pressed rewind on my memories and it seemed like yesterday i was smiling at the sun in june. it seemed like yesterday i was fighting with a boy i just broke up with. it has gone by so fast, too soon. i am questioning whether time is just a record of our memories, rather than a concept. it baffles me how quickly our moments become forgotten, which at the time always seem like they last forever. but nothing lasts forever and that is the hardest truth to accept. |
who i am.the side of me i wish everyone knew archives
May 2017
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